Currently, my husband and i are reading and studying the book: The Five Love Languages. I have been very excited to study this book with our small group for a year now. Normally, I would wait till the end of the study to share, but it is such an amazing book that I cannot wait! ;)
We are only in our second week of the book, and already I am learning so much. Although there are so many books on marriages out there, what i really love about this book is that it is Christian-based. Also, it doesn't have to be for couple who are newly married, they could be 2 years, 20 years ... even 50 years! It really is worth the time to read with your spouse.
* * *
So the other day, I was flipping through the website, and came across some "frequently asked questions" ... here are just a few random ones:
How can I get him to really talk to me?
Take "baby steps". Don't overwhelm him by saying, "I wish you'd talk more." He can't respond positively to that. It comes across as condemnation. Begin by asking questions, little questions, and be content to get little answers. He has to walk before he can crawl. When he gets used to hearing his own voice, then he can talk more.
Become a good listener. When he talks, give him your undivided attention. Don't respond to his ideas with condemnation. Rather, say, "That's an interesting idea, how do you think that would work if we applied it to our lives?" Give him your opinion, only if he asks for it. If he finds that he gets a sermon every time he shares an idea, he will stop sharing his ideas.
After a few weeks, try the following: 1. Ask if he would be willing to have a daily "sharing time" in which each of you shared two things that happened in your lives today and how you feel about them. If he complains that these times are taking too long, then set time limits, such as no more than ten minutes each. 2. Try sharing a book. Find a book that you think would be of interest to him and ask if he would be willing to read a chapter each week and you will read the same chapter. At the end of the week, each of you will share with the other one thing you liked or learned from the chapter.
Above all, don't condemn him for not talking. Create a climate where it is safe for him to talk.
* * *
We are both working full time and when I get home, I start dinner but my husband comes in and sits on the couch. How do I encourage him to participate in household chores?
Set fire to the couch! Then hand him the fire extinguisher. Do this every two days for one week. He will no longer sit on the couch. Well, that's one approach, but not one that I recommend. Nor do I recommend yelling at him and calling him a lazy slob.
All of us have patterns of behavior, which we have developed through the years. Some of these are helpful to the marriage (for example your starting dinner), and some are detrimental to the marriage. The problem is, we are not always aware of what these are, until they are brought to our attention. But how you bring them to your spouse's attention is the important thing.
I suggest you initiate a "marriage improvement month." Say to your spouse, "I've been thinking about us, and I don't want us to drift into a dead marriage. I don't want to just be an ordinary wife. I want to be an exceptional wife. Would you be open to giving me one suggestion each week for the next month on how I could be a better wife? I would give you one suggestion on how you could be a better husband, and both of us could grow. Would you be open to this?" If he is, then you are on the road to positive change. One of those weeks, you can share with him what you would like him to do when he arrives home. He will not take it as nagging, because you have made it a part of your month of improvement.
If your husband agrees to give you a suggestion each week, but is not willing to take a suggestion from you. I would encourage you to go for it. Before the month is over, I think you will see a change in his attitude.
* * *
My spouse is not a believer, but I am. How do I cope with this?
Here, we have clear biblical teaching. In I Peter 3:1-6 wives are encouraged to win their unbelieving husbands to the Lord not by preaching to them, but by demonstrating the Christian life of love and service. Ask God to help you be the best possible wife. Learn your husband's "love language." Find out what makes him feel respected and appreciated. Minister to him as though he were Jesus. (See Colossians 3:23). In due time, he will ask why you treat him so well. Be honest, don't take credit for being such a nice person. Give God the glory and say to your husband, "I must be honest, I don't see myself as a loving person. By nature I am selfish, but every day I ask God to fill me with His spirit of love. You are the most important person in my life, so I figure the place to start is by loving you. Does that make sense to you?"
Listen to his response and you may be into a genuine conversation about spiritual things. Don't push your husband, but let him know that your greatest desire is that he will come to know Christ as his Savior. Your godly example, coupled with your daily prayers, is the best way to influence your husband.
posted by JCandKim @8:15 PM
... thank you God for our family ...
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